Author: queenb
J
What makes you laugh?
J – thank you for making me laugh.
The job
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A mum, or a hairdresser
My English teacher
Who was your most influential teacher? Why?
My year 12 English teacher was the most influential teacher. On our last day as a class in my all girls school, she taught us to be brave. She told us to be feminists and most importantly, sometimes to be strong, means also to be vulnerable.
Journal Entry 39: The Human Soul
I sit in the doctors office shaking, feeling frantic. I put on the song Weightless to calm my nerves but then he calls my name.
The past few weeks have been hectic. I had to reduce a lot of my workload due to ongoing personal and medical issues. I’ve been liaising with specialists, my psych and my sw, the whole deal. I haven’t ever felt this way in my life before. I’ve never felt so suffocated. I’ve never felt this kind of pressure before. Pressure to perform, pressure to turn up, pressure to make money. I have never experienced this level of burnout.
So I quit.
I decided I just need to take care of me, my life and all the craziness that’s happening. Despite all the craziness, it was actually easy to decide what to give up. I felt so much clarity in my decisions and I felt at peace with my choices. For awhile it was like my body was in a perpetual state of exhaustion, like everyday I’d wake up and it felt like I had been awake for over 24 hours. When I quit, I could sleep again. I didn’t feel like my body was experiencing a complete state of exhaustion. The signs of exhaustion still remain as the bags under my eyes are still there when I smile. I’m still feel fatigued, although I can actually get up and do some daily tasks. I still don’t feel great but it’s slowly getting better. My nausea still persists, albeit on low levels which are somewhat manageable.
I had to travel to Geelong and it was physically and emotionally really taxing. I met a lot of amazing people, went to a smoking ceremony which was therapeutic and calming. I felt liberated. I sat alone eating curry staring out at the ocean. I embraced the smell of saltwater. Life is in this weird place right now. I feel almost as if time has suspended and I’m prohibited from moving on until it’s all over. I disconnect emotionally, detaching myself further from what will be and focus on what I will become.
I try to enjoy the smaller moments between you and I. Blood that binds us together, even though we will be apart.
I’ve talked about being a biracial kid in Australia so many times before but it has never really been on my mind like it has been recently. I’ve learnt so much in such a short span of time and my lack of faith in the system has only been reaffirmed by academic readings. I was taken aback by the inquest onto deaths of children under child protection services in my state, left feeling worried and concerned by the lack of appropriate procedures to protect children. I didn’t even realise deaths can happen as a result of lack of intervention. I guess I really am naïve to believe this doesn’t happen. I can’t help but feel powerless once again. For someone who is an overthinker, these academic readings don’t help to reassure me that the world is actually okay.
The Human soul is so fragile but it seems like from the moment we are born, we are already shaped by our parents trauma. Their behaviours and our upbringing shape the way we see the world. The world is a scary and dark place. It feels like we are all soulless beings just wandering aimlessly.
Protected: Journal Entry 38: local adoption & letting go
Journal Entry 37: unfiltered, validation & the girl dad
This is my first attempt at writing as I would in an actual journal. I’ve come to realise, most of my journal entries are obscure or cryptic. So here it goes..
Life has been kind of messy recently but, I suppose it has been quite messy and confusing for at least the past 6 months. Work has been really stressful and I find it’s been making me increasingly more anxious every time I go in. I’ve been seeing some not so ethical stuff happening. Although I’m not really experiencing it myself, I don’t really know what to do in this situation. I feel confused, upset and powerless. So, I decided I needed to create more space between myself and work. I decided I would only accept one shift a week in order to make sure I’m balancing a full-time workload and also able to work. I’ve really battled with the choice of quitting because of everything that’s been happening. My workplace is chronically understaffed which is baffling but also not baffling? Despite this, I really think my co-workers are amazingly kind people and I would actually miss turning up to work and getting to chat to some really genuinely nice people. I’ve decided to go back and volunteer although I think it just only compounds my already hectic schedule. I did decide to volunteer on a day where I’ve got a class which I think will make things a bit better.
I’ve noticed after having so many surgeries I’ve lost a lot of the ‘spring’ in my step. I just don’t feel the same anymore. So much has happened and changed with my body. I feel a flood of emotions; fear, frustration and anger. I think I formed such an unhealthy attachment during my pregnancy that I feel lost and confused. I guess it’s something which really cannot be explained but only experienced by me. I feel so defeated. Sometimes I hate myself. I wish I was more prepared, more capable, maybe just more mature. I’m 24 and still feel like I’m 19. I feel traumatised. I don’t know what will happen next. I have so much love and hate for my baby’s father. Love because he is a loving and generous person. Hate because of how alone he makes me feel. Maybe because he too, is afraid to take on what seems like an insurmountable task.
I’ve been contemplating moving out. It’s been on my mind for a least 6 months. It’s insane how quickly time passes. I feel like I haven’t fully cried for so many years. It feels like it’s all just bubbling up inside me. I want to be held. I want to cry. How do I interpret these feelings? How do I say all the things I’m feeling? Maybe I just feel indifference? No, indifference isn’t the right word. Frustration with myself for feeling like a failure. That’s the word, failure. I did so well academically, but fucked up my life in such a way it created a callosal mess. I push people away but it’s not intentional. Sometimes I will say things or do things without actually thinking properly about the way in which I convey myself. It happens at work, it happens with the people I love, it happens all the time.
Today is International Women’s Day, yet, I see the patriarchy embedded into every aspect of my life. It has dictated so many spaces in my world. From the workplace, to my personal life, academia or politics. Despite being a girl dad, my ex didn’t really acknowledge it at all that much. I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my days trying to educate someone on this. It actually makes me sad though. Is it possible all men just cannot understand or respect the experiences of women?
The weather is cooling down now. The change in weather makes me feel a lot better. I’ve been quite unwell for awhile now and the turn in weather and rain is calming. My body can’t keep up anymore.
I have realised I don’t need validation from anyone else. The only validation I need is from myself. I don’t care to seek for approval anymore. Maybe I just don’t quite care at all. I don’t care because I’ve come to realise, everyone just protects themselves, why can’t I do the same? Yet, when I do, it’s frowned upon.
I’m tired. So exhausted. So much more work to do
Protected: Call Me Mother
Protected: Journal Entry 37: 214, Chicago, the baby mama & crabs
Pain Management: Update on Life with IBS and adenomyosis
I haven’t written about what it’s like living with IBS and adenomyosis for quite sometime. It’s been awhile so I thought I might just write about my journey now that I’m 24 and quite a bit has changed.
Firstly, I have been seeing a dietician off and on ever since I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) in late 2018/early 2019. I’ve had a few colonoscopies, approximately 3 that I can remember, although it could be 4. I’ve had 2 MRIs for my bowel involving the use of contrast, which was a somewhat inconclusive test costing me $600 out-of-pocket for each MRI. It’s honestly been a challenging journey. Since I was diagnosed, I’ve gained a significant amount of weight which has been difficult to shed given the lockdowns in 2020 and 2021. The lockdowns also meant I developed poor eating habits and became much more comfortable using food delivery services like UberEats which only worsened my weight gain. Having IBS has meant I rely on products like benefiber to help regulate my gut and made it difficult to try different foods without being riddled with anxiety. Navigating my 20s with IBS has been challenging both in a social sense, as well as in my career. It’s impacted my relationships with family members and significant others because it’s been a factor which contributes to my anxiety. In recent years I have relaxed a lot more and tried to experiment with my diet, however it’s still been a struggle. Additionally, I had iron deficiency issues which meant in late 2021-early 2022, I had to take iron tablets for 6 months which negatively impacted my gut. This also meant I tried to increase my dietary intake of foods containing iron, leading me to eat foods like sardines, chickpeas and beef. I have a few sessions a year to see a dietician which is free (apart from the first consult) covered in a care plan provided by my general practitioner. However, some of these sessions have been diverted to a podiatrist after I learnt I had developed a bunion!
I can’t say a bunion is an ongoing chronic illness, but it does cause severe pain in waves and can be quite debilitating if you have them on both feet. At present, I’m seeing a podiatrist to explore all conservative measures before considering surgery. This has meant investing into orthotic shoes, toe separators and inner soles. All of which aren’t really attractive or cheap.
My adenomyosis has worsened significantly in the past few years. I’ve noticed my periods are much more heavier and the pain has intensified dramatically. It’s been a much more mentally and physically painful ordeal managing my adenomyosis in the last few years then my IBS in many ways. Although my IBS pain is constant, there are countermeasures I can take to reduce my pain (such as exercise). In contrast, the pain management methods to assist with my adenomyosis only feels like a band-aid solution. Since being diagnosed, and now I have heavier periods, I’ve tried switching to reusable pads which has financially helped in some ways. I have considered exploring other pain management methods instead of just using the pill, however, I’m still re-evaluating what I should do next to minimise the pain. I’m noticing my levels of fatigue increase, even if I exercise. I believe it’s probably just the compounding effects of having both IBS and adenomyosis. There have been further updates regarding my adenomyosis but I’m not ready to write about it just yet.
QueenB 