Journal Entry 31: 100 applications & the hospital

Photo by Mateusz Dach on

Since graduating, I’ve sent over 100 job applications. This means I’ve spent anywhere between 3-6 months sending in over 100 applications to a variety of different companies. I feel really productive looking at the number, despite the numerous rejections. I feel pretty grateful for my laptop and mobile phone. In the absence of these two items, I wouldn’t have gotten my jobs or volunteer opportunities.

It’s been raining heavily today, I suppose it really is reflective of the phrase “when it rains it pours”..

Life isn’t necessarily horrible right now but it isn’t great either. I don’t like contemplating for too long. I don’t like feeling indecisive about choices in my life. Ever since I’ve graduated I’ve waivered between being decisive and indecisive. The indecision mainly stems around my next university degree and what I’d like to do with myself in a Masters program. I’ve spent so much time overthinking or doing certain things just to get validation. I’ve entered into jobs and applied to different university programs just so I can prove to myself that I know I’m good enough for literally anything. In the process, I’ve wasted so much of my time. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out my future which has removed me from my present.

The future feels so distant but the hope that life will magically fall into place seems like a fallacy. It is a fantasy I would like to believe will come to fruition. A fantasy in which I’m married to someone I love and care about, maybe I end up in my dream job, I get a house and travel to whatever place in the world I’d like to visit. All of this sounds too unreal. Something will always be missing. It’s this fantasy, this dream, this hope, which removes me from focusing on the present.

I want to take it easy. Enjoy the time I have right now but I can still feel all my obligations running after me. I’ve got to volunteer tonight and whilst I did love volunteering, I’m starting to become more much fatigued by the work.

I went to the hospital last night. I came back in the early morning and slept a few hours. I’ve been applying for jobs and watching tv in between. I hate that there is always something wrong. Hardly time to rest and take a break.


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