Journal Entry 29: TCK, fried chicken & antidepressants

I recently learnt about the term third-culture kid. The concept is pretty interesting and quite confusing to wrap my head around. I’m going to pursue further research into this term since it’s completely changed how I view certain topics. From what I can gauge of the concept, it refers to children of expatriates or more broadly, to children who’ve grown up in a culture that is different to that of their parents. The term is fascinating since I think a lot of adults are third-culture individuals and the term describes a lot of different and diverging identities.

All I want is fried chicken. I want that variety. Like glazed fried chicken and fried chicken without sauce. Don’t we all want fried chicken on a Friday night? Hell, I don’t want it just on a Friday, I want it every night..

I’ve lost my motivation. My determination and confidence is depleted. I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost so much of myself in this process. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I know this is just a rainy day, maybe even a rainy season for me. I know I’m going to pick myself back up.

There is an internal fight between my old mindset and my new one. I’m struggling to remain positive. I’m struggling because I want to give in. I want to give up. I want to hide from the world. I want to run away.

Checking in with my therapist made me realise how much my mental health eroded as a result of my job. My depression and anxiety levels are higher than they were before I even started this role a few months ago. It’s insane how a hospitality job somehow made me feel less depressed than a so-called ‘good’ job.

I’ve booked in a few appointments for myself next week. I’ve got to attend interviews, go to scans, do blood tests and send in more job applications.

I’m considering getting on antidepressants but since I’ve sent in my resignation surely I won’t be depressed anymore? Right? But I still know deep down something is shattered. I don’t have faith in myself. I want to cry because I’m not me right now. I strive to be the best person I can be, or at least I did. I wanted to give back to the community and now all I want to do is curl up into a ball on my bed and become just as small as they made me feel. I feel the queasiness inside. I just want to sleep.


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