Journal Entry 25: real talk

Photo by Maria Orlova on

I started a new job recently and it’s the first full-time job I’ve ever gotten. It’s honestly been quite challenging navigating working within a space where I don’t feel welcomed. I really only can relate or connect to a few people within the organisation. Additionally, I’m struggling to learn since the organisation is understaffed which really isn’t there fault. The pandemic has really transformed different workplaces. Most of my anxiety stems from imposter syndrome and this feeling that I don’t belong. Since I’ve been feeling pretty low I’ve decided to go back to group therapy and see if I can let some of these negative feelings out in a productive and safe space. I feel really lucky to access resources and I’m hopeful that I can turn these negative feelings into a positive experience or a valuable learning lesson.

I’ve been realising I need to do more for my mental and physical health. I have been talking about going back to the gym and swimming for awhile but since I’ve only just started working at my new workplace, getting into a routine and maintaining my schedule has been pretty tricky. I’m hoping once things settle down, I can eventually get back to it and incorporate other activities into my daily life. I feel going back to therapy is the first step that I need to take to get back on the right track. I’ve also decided I need to get back into journaling. I think since my job requires confidentiality, I’ll be writing a bit more by hand which isn’t something I’ve done for years. I feel really positive about being able to identify that I’m really struggling because I’d prefer to be honest with myself than to push down these negative feelings.

The past few weeks have actually been pretty hard. I’ve cut off two friends, changed jobs and stopped volunteering for an organisation that I really loved. I feel good about cutting off my friends for a variety of reasons. Mainly, I feel I’m trying to better my communication skills but also I’m sick of being a bit of a pushover. I used to be a non-confrontational person but I also feel vocalising my feelings is really important. I want to make sure I’m happy or at least doing all I can to get to that point. Sometimes cutting out negative people is all you can do if they don’t bother rectifying or acknowledging their own poor behaviour. I’m not saying I’m perfect but when I do realise I’ve done something wrong, I try to acknowledge it and fix it in therapy.

I submitted an application at university for a course I think I will really enjoy. I feel good knowing I can still work full-time whilst studying and I’m hoping to receive an offer for next semester. I feel this is the first step towards creating a future for myself that I want. After gaining workplace experience outside of university, I feel really positive that I know what I want out of another degree. I’m still applying for volunteer work on the weekends since I want to make sure I’m still giving back to the community through unpaid work. I also still teach ESL on the weekends restarting again next week which makes me feel productive and positive.

Even though there’s a lot of not so fun stuff happening in my life, I do think there’s a lot to look forward to. I bought a polaroid camera which I’ve literally been wanting for years. I want to make sure I’m living in the present and capturing precious moments with my friends. I’ve also started looking for new apartments as my current living situation is contributing to my negative feelings.

After all the trauma, there was a lot of healing that took place. Initially I was in a state of disarray but once that dissipated, I spent so much time reflecting on my actions and what I want to do with myself. Graduating and giving back to the community allowed me to find purpose during a really dark period in my life. Apart of me is afraid my community work is just away to escape the pain and trauma. Apart of me also believes it’s away to find meaning. In the past few days I’ve come to realise I have learnt from the experience. I do think grief stays with us but we find ways to turn it into something beautiful.

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