Journal Entry 6: Eyes Transfixed

I remember when I first watched the movie Beau Travail with my sister. The scenes of blue-green water had my eyes transfixed on the screen. When my mum and I went on our trip to New Zealand, we caught a boat to Milford sound. I was engulfed by the beautiful scenery, images of seals on rocks and mini waterfalls flowing from mountaintops forever in my mind. Perhaps it was the only time I bonded with my mother.

Ever see a pregnant lady and your eyes just naturally gravitate to her belly? When the bump is kinda there but also you’re questioning if she is actually pregnant or not? Trying to avert your eyes but also hoping the answer will be there if you just look hard enough.

I used to love the movie Antz. I actually memorised and read the opening monologue to someone many years ago. Antz and Shrek were my favourite movies growing up. Antz quickly became tainted for me when I watched the Allen v. Farrow documentary last year, just another confirmation that men in power like to remain so, despite committing heinous and despicable acts. Shrek on the other hand, has grown on me even more. The underlying moral of the story teaching young kids that it isn’t what you look like that matters but, it’s whats on the inside that counts. Pretty soon it’ll just be another generation of women in this family that’ll be growing up watching that movie, I’ll make sure of it.

My third grade teacher told me off for writing in the middle of the page. Did she realise how hard it was to write with your left hand on the right side of a textbook?! She really hated kids. Disliked by everyone in the class, myself included.

I’m on a solo trip by myself. I guess I’m never really alone because you’re kinda just tagging along for the ride. Still only visible to me. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know just yet. Baggy clothes and hoodies to disguise something that really shouldn’t be hidden. I guess I want to keep you as my own for just a bit longer.

I love the gender fuckery of it all. Wearing a beanie and baggy clothes, I wonder if people realise I’m a woman under all these clothes, I have been told I look like an Asian boy before. The boat trip goes surprisingly quickly and I’m reading What to Expect when you’re expecting but let’s be real, none of that shit will be relevant when you actually arrive. Even in a rental car I’m mentally trying to prepare myself for you. How on earth do you install a baby seat for your car?

This is my home. This weird and neglected part of Australia that no one really cares about. There’s something tranquil about this place though. Something familiar. So yeah, maybe we will move here. We can both wear beanies and gloves to survive the icy cold winters but at least it’s away from the pollution and noise of traffic jams, trams, buses and trains. Me and you.

In the hopes of not repeating history, maybe it isn’t actually for us. Maybe we should go somewhere tropical. Instead of insanely cold winters I can take you swimming. One thing I do know is, when you’re here, my eyes will be transfixed on you. Pure amazement that I created you. Maybe then I’ll realise what unconditional love is.

Does fear intensify after having a baby? Like the realisation you’ve got something precious and you need to do anything and everything possible to protect that tiny human?

Can you love someone not yet born into this world? I suppose you can.

It’s our honeymoon and you’re taking me to Hawaii. Or rather, I chose the location and you conceded. Maybe I’m the asshole here but in some sick and distorted way, I love you. Power and control mixed in with fear and vulnerability. We fuck but it almost feels like a ritual, an offering. My body is yours and yours only now. Not even I have free will in this moment. I succumb to the raging hormones and offer myself to you. Vulnerability. Desire. Passion.

I’m afraid and scared but that’s okay. I’ll dream up an alternate reality where everything is bliss, she is the only constant.

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